


I'm Not Letting Go

by jae_rhys



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But He Gets Better, Complete, F/M, Lots of liberties taken, Reference to Suicidal Ideation, Rehab, colin is a wanker, mention of drugs and alcohol, reference to guns, references to domestic abuse, some real life lots of au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 18:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17872856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jae_rhys/pseuds/jae_rhys
Summary: The end of Colin's downward spiral, and the beginning of a new old relationship. No longer part of the Vices series.





	I'm Not Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> this was going to be a part of the Vices series I'm working on (Part one is _Love and Other Drugs_ ). However too many changes need to be made to keep this as part of that series. So _this_ version is going to become a standalone (possible sequels, but unlikely), and I'll rework/rewrite this when I reach this point in Vices.

The night had started out absolutely typically. After filming wrapped for the day, he and Alicia, his on-again-off-again girl, hit the bars or clubs, then the liquor store, then the beach house he was renting for the duration of the shoot. Usually she smoked weed and drank, he snorted or shot up smack or drank, they fucked, and fell asleep. 

Colin was always drunk and/or high. If he was awake, he was under the influence of _something_ , even while working. Most days he was so high he didn’t remember anything he’d filmed unless it was one of his periodic clean up periods. The two months or so that he’d abstain from booze and drugs only served to convince himself (no one else believed it) that he wasn’t an addict. Subconsciously (when he actually let his subconscious speak) he knew he was playing Russian roulette. He felt so damn empty and unfulfilled and… _desperate_ that he didn’t care though. 

Tonight was different. They skipped going out and just went back to the cottage. Alicia was pensive and slightly withdrawn. Out of nowhere she said, ‘When Miami Vice wraps… I think you should consider rehab, Col.’ She didn’t look at him as she spoke; she knew how the words would be received. 

Bristling at the words, Colin opened a beer and chugged half of it before replying. He opened his mouth to deny needing help, as he always did when someone broached to topic, but the denial didn’t come out. Instead his said, ‘I don’t want the help. Hell, I don’t think there _is_ help for me.’ The words shocked Alicia as much as they did him.

She grew frustrated and pleaded with him, “If you’re not even going to try and help yourself at least let me try.”

Colin snapped and shouted, “I’M BEYOND HELP DAMMIT!’ He drew a breath. ‘D’you know what I almost did last night? After you went to sleep?’

Alicia, startled by his shouting, shook her head wordlessly, wide eyes locked onto his face.

‘I was gonna buy enough heroin to kill a fuckin’ elephant and just shoot it up til I fuckin’ died, needle after needle, right on the porch. I’M. BEYOND. HELP.’

‘But you didn’t. That means you are NOT beyond help.’

“Why do you fuckin’ care? I’m a piece of shit.”

Alicia jerked as though she’d been slapped, which in a metaphorical way, she had. “Colin, you are a hard drinking drug addicted, mess of a man, but you are NOT a piece of shit.” Once again she turned her eyes from him, not wanting him to see the pain in her eyes. ‘I care. I care a lot. More than is healthy probably. I want to help. I can’t fucking fix you and it hurts so goddamned bad. But even if I can’t fix you… maybe I can _help_ ,’ she pleaded. 

For a long moment, Colin teetered on the line between breaking down and lashing out. The latter won. ‘If you want to help, suck me fuckin cock. Otherwise, get the fuck out.’ Even as he said the words, even before Alicia reacted, he knew he’d crossed a line. ‘Shit… baby…’ he started, seeing tears slide down her distraught face. ‘Lise.. _baby_ ,’ he pleaded again as she stood, pulling herself ramrod straight--something she only did when she was trying not to break down in tears, and walked to the door. 

‘Blow yourself. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Her voice shook but she managed to not cry until she was a hundred or so feet from the house. 

Watching from the window, Colin saw her collapse to the sand. He didn’t--couldn’t--go to her. It was his goddamned fault. ‘ _FUCK!_ ’, he screamed, hurling his now-empty beer bottle across the room, flinching as it shattered. 

~~~

The next morning, Colin started the day with a couple beers. While he plainly smelt of alcohol, he wasn’t visibly intoxicated. None of the crew, nor his castmates, said anything. They were used to this and he still managed to deliver a solid performance despite being high or semi-drunk. Well, normally. That day though, he was a mess. He missed cues, forgot his lines, and they racked up so many takes that Michael, the director, was nearly apoplectic. After lunch, he announced a change in the schedule, sending Colin home, ‘so we can get some actual fucking work done,’ he snapped. Feeling even worse, Colin didn’t even go change out of his costume. He’d do it at home. 

Alicia hadn’t come back by the time Colin got home. Of course, she also wasn’t expecting him for almost six more hours at the earliest. He showered, folded the costume neatly and laid down. Several hours later, movement in the bed woke him. He opened his eyes and looked up to see Alicia, looking as pained as he felt. ‘Baby… baby… I’m so fuckin sorry,’ he croaked out hoarsely. ‘Are you still mad at me?’ 

‘No.’ 

‘Are you sure?’ 

‘Col… I was never mad at you.’

‘What were you then?’ 

‘Hurt,’ she whispered.

Colin closed his eyes; that was worse. ‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ he repeated.

‘Just… don’t do it again,’ she pleaded. 

‘I won’t sweetheart,’ he promised, fully intending to keep it, even knowing that it would probably happen again. She curled into his arms and kissed his neck. ‘Let’s stay in and sleep tonight,’ he suggested. Alicia, who hadn’t slept at all the previous night, nodded in agreement. 

~~~

Things went smoothly for the duration of the shoot, with Colin even abstaining from drugs and alcohol. Until Colin’s last day. That night, he and Alicia went out, to celebrate the end of the shoot. Instead of using heroin, he drank. And drank. And ended up getting fuckin morose and sinking into a depression. Back at the house, he made a snide comment to Alicia who, pissed off, stormed out to take a walk on the beach. When she came back, she found Colin sitting on the porch, looking exhausted and broken. There was a dark object in his lap which she realised, as she drew closer, was a gun.

‘Where the fuck did you get that?’ she asked, shock masking her fear. She had no idea how--if--he planned to use it. 

‘I bought it Wednesday.’

‘Why?’ was Alicia’s tremulous response. 

‘Because I needed options,’ Colin returned, not really answering the question. 

‘Col… put it away… please?’ 

‘Fuck you.’ He lifted it then aimed it at her, for just two seconds, but they were very long, terrifying seconds. Then he placed it under his chin, holding eye contact with her. He was almost getting off on the fear in her face. 

His pointing the gun at her had broken Alicia--her heart and her spirit. Instead of collapsing, though, she became furious and raged at him. ‘Do it why don’t you. It’s what we’ve both been expecting, isn’t it? You to fuckin die? Better quick and mostly painless than dragging it out with drugs. So go on. Pull the trigger.’ Colin didn’t move, he simply held eye contact, the muzzle of the pistol still pressed to the underside of his jaw. ‘PULL IT GODDAMMIT!’ she screamed at him, tears streaming down her face. 

Her shriek pulled Colin back out of his daze. He realised what he was doing, to himself and to her. ‘I can’t... FUCK! I don’t want to fucking die.’ He threw the gun to the ground, his body shaking. 

‘THEN STOP FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF WITH DRUGS!’ she screamed again. 

‘I can’t,’ he whispered, his voice breaking as he started to sob.

‘No,’ Alicia retorted, her voice quiet but edged with bitterness. ‘You WON’T.’ She walked past him into the house, into the bedroom, where she closed and locked the door. 

He recognised that as he’d be sleeping on the couch. He couldn’t blame her. Hell, he was afraid of _himself_ now. Still, before he passed out, Colin had finished off enough liquor to put most humans into a coma. 

~~~

The next day, he was on a plane to Phoenix, and later that same day, he was checked into a luxury rehab near there. His sister Claudine--the only family member that was still talking to him at the moment--had hired Erik, an ‘assistant’, to accompany him to Arizona and ensure he got checked into the rehab. He hadn’t even known it was going to happen. Claudine and Alicia arranged it behind his back, but he couldn’t find it in him to feel angry or betrayed.

It had been a wise decision. It wasn’t that he was resisting going (much) at that point. But his brain was so foggy from last night’s drinking and that morning’s drug use that he had no fucking clue where he was. He’d written Alicia a mostly-legible and comprehensible note that told her where he was going and that he’d call her when he could. He also explained that the house was paid through the rest of the month, and she could extend the lease--on his credit card--for as long as she needed to. He almost ended it with _I love you_ but they’d never said those words and he’d be damned if the first time he said them was in a note that he wasn’t even sure she’d read. 

The day was a blur. He was still out of his mind on heroin withdrawal and exhaustion, as well as fatigue. Checking in, paperwork, and orientation took the rest of the day. He declined dinner and spent the evening in his room, sobering up and staring at the ceiling. He tried to figure out where things had gotten off track but the truth was… there was no one point or specific period. He’d been drunk or high for literally most of his life since his mid-teens. There wasn’t a history of addiction in his family so he didn’t feel he could blame genetics. 

The counselor assigned to him, a warm black man called Neil that reminded him strongly of Don Cheadle, had warned him that he may experience withdrawal symptoms from the heroin, alcohol, or both. A nurse would be coming by to check on him regularly during the first few days. He didn’t expect much beyond some anxiety and nausea, though. During his semi-regular two week ‘See, I’m not an addict’ breaks, those were about the only things he experienced. 

In the six hours between coming to his room and falling asleep, a nurse came in four times. He was vaguely aware of her checking his vital signs whilst he slept, a fitful sleep that was not at all refreshing. He dreamed of Alicia mostly. Especially the fear on her face when he’d leveled the gun at her. Christ he’d been a twat. He had a lot of things to fix, within himself, and with her. The thought made him reel and reach unconsciously for a bottle that wasn’t there. Instead he grabbed his cigarettes and made his way outside, sitting far away from anyone else. 

~~~

Back in Florida, Alicia hadn’t felt much better. He was gone by the time she came out of her room, though she’d been awake when he left. He’d been shouting at the assistant Claudine had hired. Alicia had known it was coming. She’d called Claudine after she’d fled Colin. 

Fed up, and terrified for both her baby brother and the girl he was seeing, Claudine spent the early hours of her day emailing Eamonn, researching rehabs in America, and trying to find someone who wasn’t neck-deep involved to help get Colin to rehab, forcefully if need be. It was a stressful few hours, but not, she recognised, as rough as the go Alicia had been having. Despite being an ‘on again off again’ girlfriend, Alicia had stuck it out longer than any other woman Colin had been with. Some would argue that Alicia was co-dependent, but that didn’t strike Claudine as accurate. 

Alicia saw the note Colin had left her and dropped into the chair as she read. _Darling, I can’t say enough how sorry I am. Claudine is packing me off to rehab in Arizona, and I think maybe it’s time. What I did last night broke something inside me. I can only pray that you might forgive me. I’ll call you when I can. Don’t worry about having to leave. I paid through the end of this month. And you can extend the lease as long as you want to, just call my accountant Robert. Claudine has his number. xx Col_ There was a brief scribble after, where it looked as though he’d started to write something else but stopped. She read the letter several times, hearing it in his voice, with the accent she loved. Then she curled into a ball on the chair and cried until she was exhausted. She should’ve told him she loved him. She shouldn’t have made him sleep on the couch. She wanted to hold him, to be held by him, but he was most of the country away. 

She emailed Claudine, telling her that she wanted to remain in this house until Colin came back. She didn’t have the mental energy to find a new place and pack up, and she didn’t have the money. She had some savings but not enough to rent a new place. Colin had basically been supporting her. She cringed at that, wondering what he’d think about her when he was sober and came back. Despite knowing him for several years, she rarely saw him sober, and when he was, there was no intent to stay that way. 

Wiping her eyes, she stood, picking the letter up and folding it with extreme care before tucking it in her wallet. Maybe it was stupid but just then it was nearly the only thing of him she had. 

~~~

Over the following weeks, time didn’t pass in any discernible pattern for Alicia. One hour would drag on for what seemed like a full day, then three days would pass so rapidly that Alicia would be startled by the new date. 

She didn’t do much while he was gone. She cleaned, walked the beach, and read. Something she didn’t do, though, was significant. She stopped drinking. She’d thrown out all of the alcohol in the house, almost impulsively but with no regret. 

Her anxiety soared as time passed with no word from him. Claudine kept her in the loop so at least she knew he was still there, and making progress. And one day her phone rang with the SWAT theme song, her playful choice of a ringtone for Colin’s calls. 

‘Colin?!’ she asked breathlessly in lieu of a greeting. 

‘Hey darlin’,’ he replied. Something was different in his voice. He sounded stronger, less beaten down. 

‘Colin,’ she said softly,sitting down as tears welled up. ‘Colin…’

‘Yes sweetheart. It’s me. I’m here. I’m okay. I’m so much better.’ He paused. ‘How are you? Claudine said you’re not angry with me, but I need to hear it from you, love.’

‘I was,’ Alicia said softly, knowing exactly what he was talking about. ‘But I was more heartbroken than anything. I wasn’t afraid of you as much as for you. I was scared you’d hurt yourself.’ 

‘You don’t have to worry about that now, darlin’,’ he assured her. 

‘You sound so much different.’

‘Aye, I feel different. I’m gettin’ out of here in two weeks. I... ‘ He paused then drew a deep breath. ‘I want you to come out. Next week, the end of the week, we’ll be doing family meetings and sessions, so that you can air out any issues you have, ask any questions you have, and get information, in a safe and structured way. Me an’ Claudine will be doing it over skype, because she can’t get here. Eamonn is coming down. And I want you here too. I have so much I need to say. And I want to make things work, and for that to happen, we need to clear the air.’ He spoke rapidly, not giving her a chance to reply, because he was terrified the answer would be no. 

Alicia’s feelings were mixed on the topic. She wanted badly to see him. But she was afraid of spending time with sober-Colin, fearful that he wouldn’t like her without chemical assistance. 

‘Are you there, baby?’ 

‘I… y-yeah,’ she said shakily. 

‘You don’t have to. Hell… I didn’t even ask if we’re still together… I have no right to assume that after…’ he swallowed audibly. ‘After the gun…’

‘I… I want to. I miss you, Col. I just need info to get the flight.’ 

‘Actually, there’s a ticket for you in your email, right… now,’ he said, with a long pause before the last word. 

‘That confident I’d say yes?’

‘Desperation. I was willing it into reality. You’ll come out here on Thursday. Meetings are Friday and Monday. Then I get discharged Tuesday if no significant issues arise.’

 _Nine days._ It was going to feel like an eternity. But then his arms would be there for her and that thought made it bearable. 

~~~

Nine days later, Alicia checked into the hotel Colin had booked for her. She was excited and terrified, anxious in both good and bad ways. She stayed by the pool during the afternoon, counting on the heat and sun to exhaust her. Thankfully they did. 

At the rehab facility, Colin’s anxiety matched Alicia’s. He paced in the day room. ‘What if she hates how I am now?’ he asked Chuck, another patient he’d become friendly with there. The older man was in for what he called a tune up, refreshing and strengthening coping skills so he could prevent a relapse. As such, he had a pretty good idea how loved ones may feel. 

‘Then she loses out. But… from everything you’ve said, I don’t think that’s an issue. Her bigger issue will probably be if you still like _her_.’

‘Why wouldn’t I?’ Colin demanded, perplexed.

‘Were you not literally just worrying about the same thing?’

‘Okay, okay. But still…’

‘You were, per your own admission, almost constantly under the influence of something or other. She’s going to wonder if sober you is as interested in her as drunk and high you was. So, when that topic comes up, and I promise, it will, just hold her. Show her how you feel, don’t just tell her.’

Colin nodded slowly. ‘Got it. Thanks man. I’m gonna miss your ugly mug,’ he joked. 

‘I’ll give you my contact information. You can get in touch as little or often as you’d like.’ He stood, smiling. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a snack. And it’s time for your phone call.’

As though cued by Chuck’s words, Colin’s phone buzzed. Caller ID verified it was Alicia. ‘Lise,’ he said, answering. He could hear her smile when she replied. _Tomorrow_. He could make it till tomorrow. 

~~~ 

At 10:00 am, Alicia registered as a visitor with the receptionist and was escorted with three other visitors down to the sitting room. After around ten minutes, Neil came out and introduced himself to Alicia. ‘Colin is in my office, if you’re ready.’ 

‘I am. I’m just…’ She paused.

‘Scared? Uncertain about your relationship?’ Alicia nodded. ‘That’s normal. I’d be concerned if you weren’t. Actually, I’d have serious reservations if you weren’t.’ As they walked slowly to his office, Neil explained how the meeting would work. She had an open forum. She could bring up any issue she had that was in some way related to his addictions. Personal attacks and general meanness were not allowed, but anger and other emotions were encouraged. While she spoke, Colin could not. He had to listen to her grievances without interrupting. If there was something specific he wanted to address, he could only bring it up when she’d finished. ‘This meeting now is for you, not him.’ Outside the door he paused. ‘There is nothing you cannot bring up. Assume that I already know about it, but even if I don’t, it’s okay.’

She nodded. ‘Can… can I hug him?’ she asked before Neil opened the door.

‘Yes. Assuming he wants to, but… I think it’s a safe bet he does.’ Neil knew full well Colin did. He’d asked the same thing. 

When Neil opened the door, Alicia saw Colin sitting, leaning anxiously forward. His head snapped up when the door opened and he stood when he saw her. Alicia flew at him, throwing her arms around him and sobbing into his neck. 

‘Lise… oh sweetheart... it’s okay baby,’ he whispered, rubbing her back. ‘I’m okay.’ He used his thumbs to wipe her tears then kissed her forehead. 

After their long embrace, Alicia sat down in the chair opposite to Colin’s. Neil handed boxes of tissues to both people. They’d both need them. Neil reiterated the rules for the session then turned the floor over to Alicia. 

She’d been preparing for this for days, but now she had no idea what to say… Where to start. Finally she took a breath and said the word that had haunted her. ‘The gun.’ 

Colin had known it was going to come up. It didn’t even surprise him that it was the first thing she mentioned. But he still wasn’t expecting the visceral reaction he had to hearing her just say the words. He felt sick. He bowed his head and clenched his hands together, because he couldn’t say anything right then. 

‘I... ‘ she stopped. ‘I don’t even know what to say. I keep seeing it… I’ve had nightmares… And I don’t know if I’m more scared that you pointed it at me… or yourself…’

‘How did it make you feel?’ Neil asked quietly. 

‘Sick. Helpless. So fucking helpless’ Her voice shook with the effort it was taking her to control it. ‘When you dropped it… I wanted to hug you and beat you at the same time. That was the closest I’ve come to hating you.’ Her voice was a tremulous whisper. Colin risked a look and saw the pain on her face, pain that he’d put there, along with the fear he’d heard earlier. He opened his mouth, then closed it, because it wasn’t his time to speak. Alicia looked up and met his gaze, anger flashing in her soft brown eyes. ‘I hate guns. You know I hate them.’ Her voice was rising now, and Neil sat forward, prepared to intervene if he needed to, but yelling wasn’t forbidden. ‘You still fucking brought one into our home!’ she cried out. The words she’d held in for a month and a half were coming out now. ‘You know how I feel… And you still fucking brought a gun home, you pointed it at me... You pointed it at _yourself!!_ ’ she yelled. This was the second time her tone had indicated that she was more upset that he’d threatened himself than her. He’d have to ask her why. With a start he realised he didn’t really know her all that well. He knew her well enough, he felt, to care deeply for her. Possibly even love her. But a lot of her past, he had no idea about. 

Face buried in her hands, she sobbed for several minutes. Colin wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but he was the source of her tears and pain. Feeling utterly helpless, he looked at Neil, who mouthed the words _it’s okay_. Right. Alicia was strong, Colin reassured himself. Maybe too strong sometimes, but this very moment, she was strong enough. 

Finally her sobs eased. Alicia wiped her face on her sleeve, blew her nose, then looked back up at Colin with watery eyes. ‘That… was the only super major issue…’ she said quietly. ‘Everything else… it’s mostly how mean you could be. There are a few times you pushed me or slapped me but… I don’t remember which of us hit who first…’ she admitted. The physical violence had definitely gone both ways. She pulled in another deep breath, wishing desperately that she could have a cigarette. ‘I know the meanness wasn’t really you. But it fuckin hurt. And it felt so personal… if I didn’t have those rare sober times with you, especially at the beginning… I felt like you hated me.’ 

Another wince. Colin couldn’t remember everything he’d said or done while drunk or high, but he could remember enough. Enough that it had come up in sessions with Neil. And he _had_ been mean--downright nasty. All the frustrations that built up during pressers or at work… she got the brunt of it. She had been a safe target. He wiped his own face and blew his nose, then nodded at her. The physical fights… while they’d both been left with bruises more than once, she definitely bore the brunt of them. More than once he’d brought her to set to have a makeup artist help her hide a too-visible bruise. He paid, literally, for their silence. It was when he’d learnt that most people have a price. Even that had been laid bare in Neil’s office. 

Nearly all issues that Alicia raised were typical in every relationship where drugs and alcohol were abused. Neil steered them expertly, but compassionately, through the rest of the meeting. He managed to draw out some of the most painful memories from Lise, wanting them to be faced here. Finally, it was Colin’s turn to talk. He had no idea where to start except, ‘I’m so sorry…’ He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I know I was a right bastard. We played off each other, yes, but that’s no excuse for me abusing you, physically or mentally.’ He stared down at his hands, the fingers interlocked. ‘The gun…’ He shook his head, particularly ashamed of that. That had truly been the lowest he’d ever been. ‘I do know how you feel about them. And that makes it worse that I did that. That moment… in my head, I was disconnected. It was like, mentally, like I was filming a scene and that nothing bad would happen. Which is obviously fucking wrong and stupid.’ The gun was very real, and it had been very much loaded with very real bullets. ‘What… what happened to it?’ 

‘I called the police and told them I found it near our house. I didn’t want to… I couldn’t… touch it.’ She must have really wanted it gone. Alicia hated the police almost as much as she hated guns. 

The end of the meeting drew near. They would have at least one more together before Colin was discharged, but Colin wanted to say something. He leaned forward and took Alicia's hands, looking into her eyes. ‘I can’t promise never to hurt you again. But I promise I will never hurt you deliberately, I’ll never hurt you in these ways again. I understand if you’re afraid of me. But… I really hope you’ll give me another chance, and forgive me.’

Alicia wiped her eyes and nodded slowly. ‘I’m never afraid of sober you.I never have been. It’s when you were drunk or high that… that the…’ She swallowed. ‘That the abuse happened.’ The word didn’t want to come out, but she’d come to realise that that is what it had been. ‘I was awful too, when I was drinking.’ She met his eyes. ‘I stopped. When you left for here… I dumped it all out. Maybe I wasn’t addicted, but I was just as much an asshole on it,’ she admitted. ‘All the drugs are gone. Unless you count caffeine and cigarettes,’ she said, joking weakly. The two men laughed, though Colin’s wasn’t much stronger than her own. 

‘So, I’ll see you both back here at two, for our second meeting?’ Neil asked. 

Colin nodded. ‘Yeah. I don’t want to give up on us,’ he said almost in a whisper. Alicia also nodded, though she didn’t speak. She did, however, reach out and take Colin’s hand. 

‘All right. I’ll see you both then.’ Neil excused them and Colin and Alicia stepped out. 

When they reached the day room, Colin pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered. 

~~~

Colin led Alicia outside, to some benches out of the sun. He had a bit of time before his next meeting, the Skype session with Claudine, and he wanted to spend it with her. He knew Neil didn’t want them to have any heavy conversations but he couldn’t resist asking, ‘Do you think you’ll still like me, then?’ 

She sat down and looked over at him. ‘I think in a way it’s going to be like starting over. I’m just afraid…’ She bit her lip. 

Chuck’s words hit Colin and he said, ‘Afraid… that I won’t like you now?’ with a small smile

‘How did you know?’ Alicia asked, surprised. 

Colin pointed to Chuck, at the edge of the property. ‘A wise man. And wise guy. I’ll introduce you before we leave.’ He pressed his lips to her forehead and smiled as her arms snaked around his waist. ‘I’m trying to get Neil to give me a weekend pass from here if you’re okay with it. I can stay with you at the hotel. But you don’t have to.’ 

His nervousness was endearing. Alicia hugged him tightly and gave him a very light kiss. ‘If Neil says you can have a pass then yes. We have…’ she paused. 

‘Babe?’

Alicia laughed self-consciously. ‘I just realised I don’t know if it’s “catching up” or “getting to know each other”.’ 

Colin pressed his forehead to hers and tucked her hair behind her ear, in a familiar intimate gesture, easing Alicia’s nervousness. ‘I think maybe it’s some of both. We’re not completely starting over.’

‘Okay,’ Lise said softly, a smile curving her lips. ‘I’m going to go get some lunch and Starbucks. Can I bring you back anything?’ 

‘No, baby. Just your beautiful smile. I’ll see you at two, then.’ 

~~~

By the time she was to return to the facility, Alicia’s nerves had settled a lot. She ran into Eamonn at the hotel. They didn’t know each other well--Alicia knew Claudine best of all the Farrells. But Eamonn recognised her and said hi to her with a tired smile, which was returned. ‘How is he?’ the elder Farrell asked. 

‘I think... ‘ She stirred her frozen coffee with the straw. ‘I think he might be okay.’ She caught the sceptical look on Eamonn’s face. She knew there was a _lot_ of history with his family she wasn’t privy to. The reason she didn’t know the others much was because of that--most of them had exercised tough love and self-preservation and walked away, Eamonn included. ‘He’s different. I mean, I could be wrong. But there’s something that feels really different.’ 

Eamonn was definitely sceptical. This was, though, Colin’s first time to an actual rehab. Maybe it would take hold better than just up and quitting on his own. He knew very little about his girlfriend but he recalled she partied almost as hard as Colin. Eamonn wasn’t able to determine much else by looking at her. Claudine liked Alicia though, and said that she’d been working on sorting herself out these same weeks. She definitely didn’t come across as he’d expected. ‘Hey,’ he said, causing her to look up. 

‘Yeah?’

Eamonn met her eyes searchingly for a moment, very much a big brother just then. ‘Be good to him. But don’t take any shit, either, aye? I think maybe you’re good for him.’ 

She smiled, a hesitant curling of the corner of her lips, but it was sincere and sweet. ‘I’m working on it. I think he and I both will be for a while. But…’ She fiddled again with the straw, frowning at her cup before once again meeting Eamonn’s eyes. ‘I’m not giving up on him, or on us. We have to figure out what “us” is now but… there _is_ an us, at least’ she said softly. Eamonn gave her arm a squeeze and she was on her way to the car. 

~~~

The meeting at two was largely to help Colin and Alicia address their relationship, figuring out where they each stood, what they each wanted, and putting in place practical plans for typical rough patches that often led to relapses. 

‘We’re not going to write out a life plan for you--even if we could, we wouldn’t. But my goal here,’ said Neil, ‘is to help you figure out difficult situations you’re likely to encounter together, and reinforce skills you’ve learned to navigate them.’ 

Colin had already gone through this type of meeting one on one, so this was focused on things they may encounter together, or that might arise between them. Using their past and Colin’s understanding of his job field, they brainstormed situations that could arise--media rumors of him cheating on her, supported with ‘damning’ photos, him coming home tired and cranky, possibly spoiling for a fight. She got a crash course in interpersonal skills that he’d learnt, and Neil said that, were she agreeable, he could make a referral to a therapist wherever they intended to be living. Alicia agreed gratefully. 

Soon it was three-thirty and, after his four o’clock meeting with Eamonn, Colin would be able to leave, for the weekend with Alicia. 

‘I’ll see you at the hotel, sweetheart,’ he said, kissing her softly. She smiled up at him, cupping his face gently, and nodded. 

‘See you soon.’

~~~

The meeting with his brother ran longer than he’d expected, so Colin was feeling harried as he left the office. Still, when Eamonn called to him, he stopped. ‘Col,’ his brother said. 

‘Ayuh?’

‘I like her. Alicia.’

‘You met her?’ 

‘Today, at the hotel. She has faith in you. I told her to be good to you’ He smiled broadly. ‘And not to take any shit from you.’

Colin laughed. ‘No worries there anymore, I don’t think.’ He fidgeted slightly. 

‘You’re seeing her tonight then?’ Eamonn assumed that was the reason for the fidgeting. 

‘Aye. I’m spending the weekend with her, at the hotel.’ 

‘Need a lift back then?’

‘That’d be brilliant. I need about ten minutes, though.’

‘I’ll meet you in the car park.’

Colin had packed a few things, in hopes that Neil would say yes. But he’d been afraid to pack everything. Now he had to put together his toiletries and the things he’d need. It still didn’t take long though, to be honest he didn’t have all that much with him. 

He found the elder Farrell leaning against his rental car, and headed over. ‘Hey.’

‘All set?’ Colin nodded, grinning anxiously. ‘Christ, Col, you look like you’re going to your first date.’

‘In a way… it is,’ he said softly. 

The lack of a brash, crude answer surprised Eamonn. ‘You’re different. Is it being cleaned up, or is it her?’

Colin paused buckling his seatbelt and looked over, startled. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I just know that… if I lose her without trying my damndest… it’ll be the biggest regret I have in my life.’

‘You love her.’ 

Colin buckled the seatbelt finally, but didn’t speak for a long moment. ‘I… I’m not sure. I think so. Inasmuch as I have any fuckin clue what love is, at this point. And, I think maybe she feels the same about me. The real me.’

‘I think you’re right little brother,’ said Eamonn, starting the car. ‘And I’m goin to change the subject so I don’t scare you any more.’ 

‘’Ey, you ain’t scared me,’ Colin protested, falling into the roles they developed as children. 

‘Sure, sure.’ When they arrived at the hotel, Eamonn and Colin hugged briefly before parting. ‘I love you brother. I know how important this time with her is, so don’t stress yourself, but if you do get a chance for coffee or something, ring me.’ 

~~~

Alicia had texted Colin her room number so that he could come straight up. She paced anxiously, peering out the window over the skyline trying to assuage her nerves. When Colin rapped on the door, the sound startled her and she shrieked. 

She ran to the door and pulled it open, laughing and crying at the same time when she saw Colin. ‘Come in. Oh god… you’re here…’ She pulled him in and shut the door, falling into his arms. 

‘You just saw me a few hours ago baby,’ he teased, but his own eyes were suspiciously bright. 

‘Please just hold me,’ she whispered. ‘Just… lie down with me and hold me.’ 

‘I can do that,’ he promised. ‘I’m not letting go.’ He lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed by the window. In a move he’d done hundreds of times before, but that felt like it was a first, he laid her down, kneeling beside her. 

‘Lay with me,’ she said, reaching for him. 

‘I am,’ he whispered. He stood to remove his shoes and his clothes except his boxers, then he lay on his side facing her. He said nothing, just smiling at her, his hand cupping her cheek, stroking it with his thumb. He didn’t feel a compelling need to fill silence with empty words anymore; he was happy to simply let his eyes talk for him. This was a new feeling. Appropriate, he thought, for a new beginning.


End file.
